The following is an entry in a contest being hosted by YA author Shelley Watters on her blog. She's holding a "First Page Contest" to be judged by Victoria Marini, an agent at the Gelfman Schneider Literary Agency. (You may have seen me pimping this out on Facebook and Twitter, those of you who follow me on Facebook and Twitter.)
I don't participate in many contests and I have to thank Shelley for sponsoring it; even if I don't sniff a win all the contestants who have come here to leave their critiques have been very, very helpful in what has been the hardest part of adapting my play, "The Unlikely Adventure of Race McCloud, Private Eye": the first page.
So the particulars follow... and to my regular readers (all 4 of you) here is yet another blog post dedicated to my 14-year-long labor of love and occasional disgust with Race McCloud.
Title: THE UNLIKELY ADVENTURE OF RACE AND COOKIE McCLOUD
Genre: Young Adult
Word Count: 87K
The Entry...
Prologue: Green-Suited Justice
The night rain fell by the gallon on the bustling metropolis of Westside City. Westside City was a large city, the second largest city in the American Empire as a matter of fact, and when the entirety of the city was being pelted with rain you can be certain the overall result was… well, it was a whole lot of rain on a really big city, that's what it was.
I don't participate in many contests and I have to thank Shelley for sponsoring it; even if I don't sniff a win all the contestants who have come here to leave their critiques have been very, very helpful in what has been the hardest part of adapting my play, "The Unlikely Adventure of Race McCloud, Private Eye": the first page.
So the particulars follow... and to my regular readers (all 4 of you) here is yet another blog post dedicated to my 14-year-long labor of love and occasional disgust with Race McCloud.
Title: THE UNLIKELY ADVENTURE OF RACE AND COOKIE McCLOUD
Genre: Young Adult
Word Count: 87K
The Entry...
Prologue: Green-Suited Justice
The night rain fell by the gallon on the bustling metropolis of Westside City. Westside City was a large city, the second largest city in the American Empire as a matter of fact, and when the entirety of the city was being pelted with rain you can be certain the overall result was… well, it was a whole lot of rain on a really big city, that's what it was.
Westside citizens scrambled like bugs under a magnifying glass to find shelter, many ducking into brightly lit stores adorned with brightly lit neon. Those in the perhaps-not-quite-as-friendly-or-well-lit portions of town realized the double negative involved in being both unsafe and drenched, and scurried off in brighter, drier directions.
One young woman, a pretty and smartly dressed student from Westside City University, found herself in one of those unfriendly portions of town when the rain began, there for the only reason such a pretty and smartly dressed woman would be: she was on her way to see her starving-artist boyfriend. Hoping to shave a few seconds off of her trip, she took a shortcut through a dingy back alley, holding her purse over her head to block as much of the rain as she could, her well-heeled shoes quickly ‘click-click’ing as she hurried on her way.
It did not take the young woman very long to realize one as pretty and smartly dressed as she shouldn't go traipsing through back alleys in the unfriendly portion of town on rainy nights.
You definitely have my attention in wondering what is going to happen to this woman. I would definitely keep going! I love the first paragraph, however, your tense switches between past and present. Also love the image of people scrambling like bugs. Your first sentence which begins with "One young woman" contains great information, however, is a bit long. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteTHe first sentences grabs the attention and I like the visual you give with the bugs analogy, however LY words abound. You repeat yourself with the pretty and smartly dressed and telling us the woman is young. The sound of her shoes was nice.
ReplyDeleteI like the way it sounds, but your use of double negative is actually kind of oxymoronic, because generally a double negative is a positive.
ReplyDelete*end nerd rant*
I'd consider "Rain fell" instead of "Rain was falling" to create better movement.
Your prose gives me a good sense of world. There's an interesting narrator voice. Is the narrator a character? It almost seems that way.
Good luck!
'm immediately drawn in and by the end of the first paragraph I'm smiling. I like the tongue-in-cheek humor you have going on here. There's a lively style -- an infectious energy, that has me wanting to read more. That can be dangerous though, hooking a reader with style rather than plot or character.
ReplyDeleteI want to read more not to know what happens or to learn more about a character, but to enjoy the narrator's voice now. That might be a difficult status quo to maintain, but I'd definitely turn the page to find out if you do!
Pelted "by" rain instead of "in"?
"On a rainy night" instead of "on rainy nights"?
Because I know your style so well, I'm coming from a different perspective. But I wanted there to be even more use of the word "city" in the opening paragraph. Perhaps something like:
ReplyDeleteRain was falling by the gallon in the bustling metropolis of Westside City. Westside City is a large city, the second largest city in the American Empire as a matter of fact, and when the entirety of such a city is being pelted with rain, you can be certain the overall result is… well, it’s a whole lot of rain on a really big city is what it is."
... or something...
It makes me more ready for the repeated description of the girl, for example, and sets up the narrator's sometimes-overly-wordy pseudo-intellectual style. (if, indeed, that is what you're going for with the narrator here. I only know his other version.)
I'm pretty sure I live in that city.
ReplyDeleteBut I wasn't quite sure if it was raining there or not. A few more lines should clear that up. ;)
Actually I found it pretty entertaining.
I sense though that you have the talent to take this up a notch and stay away from generic descriptions such as "pretty and smartly dressed" and do something like "shitting sex and Abercrombie chic"
"Her well-heeled Prada's and Gucci purse"
Details give your story authenticity.
Maybe those place don't exist in your world but maybe there's some equivalent.
Really enjoyed this!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAGH I pressed the delete button... Here it is again, roughly, I think:
ReplyDelete(Yup, it's a pen name! :P Well-guessed, sir.)
Oh my God, I love your voice. It feels... classic. I don't know why. But it has this bounce to it that I just adore!
My first suggestion is that you cut the first paragraph. It gave me some serious pause because of the tense changes, and due to the ending of it, it comes off sounding younger than YA. I'd cut it entirely and place the America-is-an-Empire-now/Westside-is-super-huge information elsewhere.
I hope this isn't presumptuous, but here's a version edited for grammar (the edited bits are offset with an obnoxious number of hyphens), with a couple of adverbs trimmed:
Westside citizens scrambled like bugs under a magnifying glass to find shelter, many ducking into brightly lit stores adorned with brightly lit neon. Those in the perhaps-not-quite-as-friendly-or-well-lit portions of town realized the ((((double negative)) grammatically, this is fine, but it bothers me. I had Sarah's exact thoughts, heh. Maybe 'double disadvantage'?)) involved in being both unsafe and drenched, and -----headed (hurried is echoed in the next paragraph)------- in brighter, drier directions.
One young woman, a pretty and smartly dressed student from Westside City University, found herself in one of those unfriendly portions of town when the rain began, there for the only reason such a pretty and smartly dressed woman would be: she was on her way to see her starving-artist boyfriend. Hoping to shave a few seconds -----off---- her trip, she took a shortcut through a dingy back alley, ------holding her purse over her head to block as much of the rain as she could, her well-heeled shoes ‘click-click’ing as she hurried on her way.------ (altered this because otherwise it sounds like the shoes are holding their purse over their head. Hm.)
It did not take the young woman very long to realize that one as pretty and smartly dressed as she should not be traipsing through back alleys in the unfriendly portion of town on ----a rainy night such as this----. (Doing it on multiple nights simultaneously is impossible. Unless this is a time-manipulative fantasy! but i don't think so.)
Best of luck. I do so enjoy this style of writing; the humor is right up my... alley. *badum tsch* The very best of luck, and thanks for linking me up!
I like the voice in this. It's witty and keeps the narrative fun. I'd keep reading, hoping for a surprise on page two. If so, I'd be hooked. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteLike others have said, I think the voice is great in this one. The tense shift was a little distracting. In this case, I think you want the whole thing in past tense. I think you can shorten the prose in a couple of places, to keep the action moving. Particularly in the beginning paragraph, it might hit us harder if you combined. "Rain fell by the buckets in the bustling metropolis of Westside City, the 2nd largest. I'm not sure that the "a lot of rain part" is necessary. I like what it does for voice, but it also doesn't get us into the action as fast.
ReplyDeleteLooks like an overall great hook.
I think you can afford to write the whole thing in past tense. The second line, with its present tense, threw me off. I don't think you'll lose anything by changing it.
ReplyDeleteIt certainly makes me want to turn the page and find out what's going to happen.
Okay, this is absolutely not what would *normally* catch my attention, but I have to tell you that this opening is totally infectious in the BEST way! At first (since it's out of my usual realm) I was unsure of the repetitiveness. But in retrospect, I like Thoroughly Modern Mommy's idea of going even more over the top with it. I think that would totally seal the deal. Love it! And good luck!
ReplyDelete(Thank you so much for your comment on my entry! It was rather helpful!)
ReplyDeleteI really like the picture painted of the setting and our introduction to the girl. However, I have a bit of cognitive dissonance at describing her as "smartly dressed" while doing such a stupid thing as walking through a bad section of town. Smart girls rarely recognize so belatedly that they are well entrenched in an unsafe area. They know it going in and are very prepared.
But if she's not a smart girl, then I do find the juxtaposition quite intriguing.
Good luck in the contest!
You set up the feel of the city & world the young lady lives in, but I was unclear about who or what the story was about. Even with the 'One young lady..' I still wasn't sure if the story was going to be about her or the city or something else altogether. You could cut the description (which is well done) a little & get to the young lady a little sooner (if she's our protagonist). I really like your voice and the images you gave.
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed this. The style is humorous and intelligent, and I love it that young adults can have choices like this. (We old adults like that, too.) You didn't get into actual tension until the last moment, but I think readers will likely go along with that. The only place I stopped and wanted to reword anything was the last line of the second para (and scurried off in brighter, drier directions.). How about 'scurried off toward brighter, drier places.' (just can't see directions as brighter or drier)
ReplyDeleteI caught a vivid picture of the scene unfolding and would read on, curious about the girl. I enjoyed the descriptions. The third paragraph contained a lot of ly adjectives that was a little distracting.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with the contest, and thank you for stopping by and being positive. I look forward to reading your posts.
I am sure I'm too late to add anything but as the others have said, I think you're onto something here. Your narrative style is fresh and fun and exciting and leads me (us) to feel that we're in for something different. I share one commenters concern that this may be more style than substance - there's not much character here to hold on to - but when you start to draw her, we get a feel for her. I'd bring her in sooner, and I agree, more details would draw her more clearly (skip Gucci and Prada - they will trend out and date you). I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments, all! Just one note of clarification if anyone comes back and checks: the young woman here is not a character. She's a cipher. A damsel-in-distress. She is actually designed to be a cliche. My first major supporting character shows up in a page and a half from now, and one of my protagonists makes a first appearance at the end of this prologue. I chose to being with world-building first, as opposed to character building. I picture this as a slow cinematic pan-in on the city, with the characters appearing one-by-one as we bring ourselves closer to street level. Not to sound too pretentious about it...
ReplyDeleteSound reasoning, Tom.
ReplyDeleteMy only thought is that while cliche can be useful to avoid having to describe something that is common, your writing will never suffer by eliminating cliche whenever you can (especially in the first 5 pages).
I've read plenty of books that contain "redshirts", people who only appear in order to be killed, so few words are wasted in their description.
But I've also read books where even the most minor of kill-off characters are described and given life, and it really heightens the moment when they are offed for me.
Every character deserves their moment in the sun. Or 15 words of fame. ;)
Oh, I get you, Andrew. And in most stories, I agree. The world of this particular story, is designed as an homage to (and in some places an upending of) genre adventure fiction, and the "damsel-in-distress" cliche is an intentional nod to that.
ReplyDeleteAlso: I come from the world of playwriting, where the rule is often to say exactly what you need to say in as few words as you possibly can. So my instinct is to create a character to be only precisely as functionally as I need that character to be. Maybe I need to break out of that in prose, but in this particular story it is far more important (to me) to build the character of Westside City than it is to build the character of this random mugging victim.